Hotties For Sale!

I still haven't figured out all the facets of Facebook. I don't want to grab a Tommy gun and join a mafia. I don't want to put on hip boots and raise a farm. I don't want to be poked or farukled or tagged unless I'm it. I don't care enough to score high on obscure trivia contests that Cheers' Cliff Claven would wrap his head around.

Now a dear Facebook friend from a continent away has added me to a photo collage implying that I am not only desirable but for sale as a Hottie? I harken back to the time when only social blogs existed because they seem like simpler times right now. Hold on. I'm getting a text message on my cell phone...something about 700 rubles for an hour of my time. Will travel.

The PH Factor in Grass and Lovemaking

It all started when my lawn care service recommended that I lay a blanket of limestone down to improve the PH balance on my Kentucky bluegrass. On the sun-filled weekend that I earmarked doing the recommended yard work, I still had not bought my first bag of lime. That is when the situation took a strange metaphorical seedy twist of fate for the better.

A white powder coat appeared on my front grass. My initial hair-scratching inspection concluded that it looked just like lime. Alas, I found an overturned open container of Vagisil vagina deodorant in my driveway. I learned that the vagina deodorant had been a checklist item on my teenage stepson’s scavenger hunt the night before. How and why its contents spread across my lawn remains not only a mystery but also a question I refused to spend too much time on as a parent.

Two weeks following the outpouring of vagina deodorant on wilting summer-ending grass and no limestone application, I wish to report that my lawn has never looked more lush and fertile. I half-expected my grass blades to curl symptomatically but they are standing tall. The PH balance also seems to be in a state of self-correction and I have no presiding need to add pounds of backbreaking lime.

I am now scouring pharmacies for the unlikely RX score of vaginal deodorant in ultra concentrate bulk sizes for the freshest smelling lawn in the neighborhood. I may just switch from the professional advice of a lawn doctor to a down-to-earth gynecologist. I am even considering penning an article to Home and Garden magazine about my rare find. For the curious passerbys carrying blankets, I may need to stake a sign in my lawn saying NO LOVEMAKING ALLOWED.

Weighing in On Disabling Diets

Janine Donohue walks into the kitchen and stands next to her social worker as if she has never heard of awarding personal space. She bows, curtsies then handshakes. Janine flips her long hair then introduces herself with a short unexpected biography.

“Glad to meet you. I’m 37 years old, I can’t have children and I weigh almost 200 pounds.”

In her introduction to me, she disclosed the three things I think a woman would be least likely to share to a man. I tilt my head at the critical information overload trying to make sense of it all. She leaves the room as quickly as she came. I start to think to myself when is the next time this oddity will happen? I did not have long to wait.

Janine returns carrying belongings. “I’ll prove it.” She flashes her laminated identification card. “See, I was born in 1972.” She puts the bathroom scale down in the middle of the kitchen. She rolls up a blouse sleeve to reveal a fresh band-aid. “It’s my Depro Provera shot. Mom doesn’t want me to have children.” Her balance is a little shaky as she steps onto the scale. The dial points exceedingly right before it steadies. “What 225 pounds, wow!”

Janine steps down from the scale looking discouraged. She talks closely once more. “I can’t get any younger and I can’t have children but I would like to lose weight. I thought I lost five pounds on my diet. Darn. I ate only a watermelon and a granola bar for lunch. Well, not the whole watermelon, you know what I mean.”

Janine goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a fruit yogurt. She adds loose raisins from the cupboard. After a couple of spoonfuls, she talks about her diet with yogurt lining her upper lip.

I encourage, “That’s a healthy snack. Why don’t you get back on the scale?”

“Already?”

“Yes, I think the yogurt may have done you some good.”

Janine’s compliance rewards her with a weight of 194 pounds. “Now that’s more like it. I’m loving it but that cannot be. That’s a difference of, that’s a difference of, humm, that’s a big difference.”

I ask, “Do you know what the biggest difference is?”

“No, you tell me.”

“I used my foot to step on the back of the scale the first time you weighed yourself. It made you seem heavier.”

She shifted her weight and gave me a cold stare. “Don’t you male social workers know anything about a woman?"

The Dermatologist's Fleshy Escort for a Barmitzva

I thought this recent posting on a website for actors sounded a little fishy but the gefilte may not be a joke...I found this doctor actually listed with licensure on the internet.

Hello to all lovely Actresses and Models in the Baltimore area!!! Are you between the ages of 35 and 50? A wonderful gentleman, Dr. #$%$#&^ needs a beautiful companion to his nephew's Barmitzva. This is a simple but fun job! Well paying, too! He is paying $150.00 per hour to accompany him to this grand soiree'.On the evening of October 22nd, all you have to do is dress up, look your best and have a wonderful time experiencing a religious traditional ceremony.No, there will be no flirting, no touching or kissing. Just smile, eat and dance.... enjoy collecting your $600.00 at the end of the evening. Sound simple? Well, it is.Dr. @#^$% will pay you the promised six hundred dollars, even if the evening lasts only an hour or two...You still get your $600.00 dollars. Though the evening should not be more that 4 hours max, it could go over just a bit, but doubtful. The good Doctor will pick you up at your home, office or designated place, then will drop youoff at this same local.This distinguished, well known Doctor of Dermatology is highly respected and trusted...Nothing funny or fishy here. Except the gefilte! I too, am a well-known Actress in the region and I do trust this man...after all, he is my Doctor and I have known him for many years.So, if you want a quick bunch of cash....E-mail Dr. @#$&^* at @#$%#% Please, if interested, put Barmitzva in the subject line,Place your jpeg head shot in the body of the email. NOT as an attachment. If you don't follow the directions, your emails may possibly not be acknowledged. Once agreed to do this, absolutely no cancellations!!!Thank you and have a great time!!!

The Garden State of Mind

Perhaps the thought came to me because the arrival of the Labor Day weekend officially marks the end of summer and the ushering in of cooler weather. Maybe the thought came to me because I am psychic. Maybe the thought came to me because deadpan irony follows me. Maybe what I was thinking was led by a subconscious linkage to the matrix. Maybe nothing has to do with the other.

What I do know is that I found myself walking and not driving my vehicle to my next work appointment. After slinging my briefcase in between two buildings, I entered an alley way. For whatever reason, I began to think of my limp lackluster crop-less tomato garden back at the homestead. My tomato plants hunkered in fresh tilled black soil, regularly watered and sprayed with Miracle Grow have failed to thrive all summer. As I longed for my own ripe tomatoes to make fresh salsa, spaghetti gravy and lush salads, I spotted something familiar ahead of me. Growing in between harsh curb and hot blacktop and somehow missing lawnmower haircuts lived a healthy tomato plant stalked with two little promises.

I'm just a paint brush and craft paint shy of a green thumb.