Freudian Slips: The PH Factor in Grass and Lovemaking

Freudian SlipsImage Hosted by


My Photo
Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

September 19, 2009

The PH Factor in Grass and Lovemaking

It all started when my lawn care service recommended that I lay a blanket of limestone down to improve the PH balance on my Kentucky bluegrass. On the sun-filled weekend that I earmarked doing the recommended yard work, I still had not bought my first bag of lime. That is when the situation took a strange metaphorical seedy twist of fate for the better.
A white powder coat appeared on my front grass. My initial hair-scratching inspection concluded that it looked just like lime. Alas, I found an overturned open container of Vagisil vagina deodorant in my driveway. I learned that the vagina deodorant had been a checklist item on my teenage stepson’s scavenger hunt the night before. How and why its contents spread across my lawn remains not only a mystery but also a question I refused to spend too much time on as a parent.
Two weeks following the outpouring of vagina deodorant on wilting summer-ending grass and no limestone application, I wish to report that my lawn has never looked more lush and fertile. I half-expected my grass blades to curl symptomatically but they are standing tall. The PH balance also seems to be in a state of self-correction and I have no presiding need to add pounds of backbreaking lime.
I am now scouring pharmacies for the unlikely RX score of vaginal deodorant in ultra concentrate bulk sizes for the freshest smelling lawn in the neighborhood. I may just switch from the professional advice of a lawn doctor to a down-to-earth gynecologist. I am even considering penning an article to Home and Garden magazine about my rare find. For the curious passerbys carrying blankets, I may need to stake a sign in my lawn saying NO LOVEMAKING ALLOWED.



Anonymous Marcus said...

How does it work on the PH of Redheads?

5:26 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

I'll never know. lol

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean, it's finally safe to leave the apple pie on the counter!

7:19 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

The story is about lovemaking not do-it-yourself apple pie pleasure. lol

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your sign should read:

"Splendor in the Grass...Not!"

7:56 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Otherwise a grass roots movement could start. lol

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

grass roots movement indeed. they were my favorite bands when i was your stepson's age.....give or take. funny story about the grass.. guess we're a dwindling few that are still blogging. happy hunting.

2:06 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Image Hosting at