Freudian Slips: The Real Turkey

Freudian SlipsImage Hosted by


My Photo
Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

November 27, 2005

The Real Turkey

- Bones to pick at the carving station on Thanksgiving 2005. Among other things, my hand mixer somehow resembling Casper the Friendly Ghost.
I took it as a welcome sign when my youngest daughter asked me about holiday cooking recipes. The question from an inquiring mind may have revealed my culinary skills, my age, and a glaring weakness in my personal recipe book. Now I have general recipes for how to clean and cook a turkey as well as for making homemade stuffing but the written information isn’t organized step-by-step so that it could be deciphered by the bequeathed.
It should come as no surprise to any regular reader of Freudian Slips that about 4:30am on Thanksgiving morning with everyone still asleep and the stuffed turkey cooking, I returned not to bed but the computer to write down the step-by-step directions still as fresh as my kill. I sequenced my thoughts with tiredness put on the back burner. I not only saved the file to hard drive, but printed and laminated a hard copy. I forced myself to add it to the three ring binder of my recipe book before scaling the staircase. Job done. When you run out of things to do as an obsessive compulsive, sleep becomes a welcome mat. My mind and body hit the snooze button around 5:30am. Sweet dreams.
I arose around 7am and my first peek in the oven convinced me that my new enamel pan was doing too good of a first time job. I didn’t want to cry fowl but the bird had already started to brown inside a covered pan during the second hour. This was extraordinary for a 20 minute per pound golden rule of thumb in the poultry annals. I kept a close eye on the bird for the next couple of hours but there was no denying that the turkey was cooking at mach speed.
After a few frantic calls around town, it seemed to be a well known fact that enamel pans cook turkeys a whole lot faster. Everyone had a leg up on me and I was the real turkey. I also learned in my drummed up conversations that turkeys cook moistly at 350 degrees. What kind of chef was I wasting valuable time and sleep preparing birds in pre-dawn hours only to cook them at 325 degrees in an inferior pan year after year? By pumping the oven up a Emeril Lagasse notch can save hours off of cooking a big bird. I did the new math. When it was all said and done, this talk of the town 33 pound bird was cooked in a record 8 hours. Looking ahead to a brighter future, I crunched the numbers. Even another 30 pound monster should take no longer than six hours if I cook it at 350 degrees in my enamel pan.
I guarantee sleeping from dusk till dawn the last Wednesday in November of 2006 even if I choose to cook an entire ostrich for offended vegetarians next Thanksgiving. Heavens to Betsy, I just realized that I got to update my recipe book again to reflect the pertinent changes. If my kids could see me now.



Blogger the Contrary Goddess said...

you are cute there with the bone and all, but an ELECTRIC knife? I mean, that's like nuclear weapons, no fair to the bird, etc! I'm glad you had a fast turkey but no turkey fast.

12:05 AM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Love the bone! I carve with an electric whenever possible. My step-father deep frys his turkey in about 25 minutes total. I find this practice fascinating though I haven't tried it due to the many things I've read about such cookers setting fire to houses. Still, it might be worth it if for nothing else, than the added sleep time...


12:35 AM  
Anonymous et said...

Yes, I agree! Your electric knife handle resembles Casper, but he doesn't look so friendly! He appears to be a little miffed and I can understand why; you just cooked his best friend, Tom Turkey. As a matter of fact, Casper looks down right PISSED!!! Never mind about making a note in your recipe book about cooking instructions. If I were you, I'd be mighty careful next year on your choice of birds.

10:32 AM  
Blogger eatmisery said...

An enamel pan...

Who knew?

12:16 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

no turkey fast. funny.

i know what you mean. Deep frying makes me nervous.

Casper always looked miffed to me.

i thought my new pan was cast iron until someone set the record straight. enamel it is.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Fried ... Definately the way to go.

You had me rolling Joe. And the photo? Very intimidating!

11:54 PM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...

How quick the year goes...another turkey and chef shot!! You should have that photo on your ID badge at work

7:54 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

one too many GHOST employees already.

11:59 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Okay Joe, so like ... if I put a 20 pound bird into an enamel pan at about noon and crank the oven up to 400, it should cook in 10 minutes, right? (I don't do math)

I love the photo ... and your bird looks scrumptious.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

an all white meat TV dinner takes only two minutes. watch the cherry dessert, it will burn your tongue. lol.

6:27 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Image Hosting at