Freudian Slips: A Taste of Leather

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

September 25, 2005

A Taste of Leather

-not your typical home cooked meal
I proudly announce that my son joined Little League baseball this year. While he has been on a swim team for years, baseball is the first dry land sport he has shown any real interest in. The news that he wanted to be on a baseball team came as a complete surprise and we were left with little time to prepare him. He didn't even own a glove. My wife bought him a brand spanking new baseball glove only a month before the season started. I admit to having trouble breaking in that glove despite routine spankings. Fault being the new equipment, every other baseball would pop out of my son's glove during a routine catch.
I needed to break that glove in before he became frustrated. I abused the glove trying to domesticate it. I tried everything from following the urban legend of rubbing shaving cream on it, hitting it with a sledgehammer, dipping it in vegetable oil, and storing it under a mattress. Growing anxious my son asked me to sleep with the glove.
"Put it under your mattress because you're much heavier." he instructed with good intention.
I can take a hint. So I weighted in on the matter. Two hundred thirty pounds of top-notch slumbers did not work either.
I bought a product called Hot Glove treatment, which required preheating a conventional oven to 300 degrees. Anything as goofy as this couldn't possibly work but I was running out of time and options. Now I haven't played organized baseball in thirty years but I never anticipated cooking a glove in my lifetime no matter how long I stayed away from the game. Holy cow what a half-baked idea! This product had to be a gimmick that ends with firemen at your front door.
Nevertheless, my son lathered up the obstinate glove like a professional glazer. I cooked it in the oven on a cookie sheet. Four minutes later, I heard the timer sound. Presto-Change-O. I used an oven mitt to remove the scalding hot baseball mitt from the oven. It even smelled good. I poked it with a spatula while it cooled to room temperature. I checked the product's directions and thankfully there were no plans for a bunt cake for dessert. I returned alongside the former cow of a glove. It felt velvety soft. My son tried it on and he could snap it shut for the first time. The Hot Glove treatment was a miracle second only to the 1969 Mets.
So the next time I get served a steak hard as shoe leather in an upscale restaurant, I'm spraying this miracle whip on it and sending it back to the kitchen until it comes out a moist tenderloin. Sometimes you just got to raise the steaks in life.

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6 Comments:

Anonymous et said...

Enjoyed reading this great post. I have a question, though! Is this the stuff you use on your gloves before you handle OJ? Jimmy gets my vote for most valuable.

8:48 AM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...

A big hand, I just gLOVED that story, so warm and so touching...I really have to hand it to you, you know how to pitch a great tale.

8:57 AM  
Blogger eatmisery said...

I would've tried running over it with the car a few times. But what do I know?

10:49 AM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Congrats on finally heating your glove into submission. A leathery mit that can't catch balls is indeed a frustrating thing.

RCS

2:48 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Et,
it's not just for breakfast any longer.

pax,
nice henny youngman impersonation.

eatmisery,
sounds messy. i'll leave that for a cleanup hitter.

robert,
now i just got to put him at 3rd base, the hot corner.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

You hit a home run with that story.
(Hardy har har!)

Seriously, very good. I love reading your posts!

11:15 PM  

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