Laid To Rest

I couldn’t understand why I was listening to an interview with actress Jennifer Tilly on WIP sports talk radio. Jennifer has over 32 film credits and an Oscar nominattion for her role in Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway but the unlikely connection to sports came as a surprise to me. I learned that Jennifer won the World Poker Tour Ladies Night and remains one of the best poker players in America. When talk show host Angela Cataldi asked Jennifer why she chose to enter an upcoming poker tournament at the Borgata Hotel Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey she answered “they have the most comfortable beds in the world.” That remark came from an actress who has everything going for her.

Did my ears decieve me? I have been raving about Borgata beds from the top of the mountain to down on the farm ever since my wife and I stayed at Borgata for Valentines Day two years ago. We went bonkers over the bed. My wife is irresistibly sexy but I could have slept with a Shaker and still had romance that night. That’s a mover and a Shaker for those of you keeping score at home. Soft and molded to the contour of one’s body, the bed ranked as ooooooooooh so comfy. By morning, curiosity got the best of me. Relaxed and rested, I tore the bed apart looking for a manufacturer, a tag, any clue would do. There wasn’t a trace of its origin.

When we got home to our clumpy hard mattress even the bed bugs didn’t want us back. Horizontal reality sank in. I started to call around asking if any mattress company did business with Borgata casino. No mattress company south of Newark gave a sheet but they all tagged me as crazy. After that dead end I still wouldn't let it rest. I waged a call to Borgata's housekeeping department. I got absolutely nowhere with a broken English speaking El Salvadorian woman who believed I was making a crank call. I didn’t let the receiver go cold in my hand. I called Borgata back and asked to speak with someone in public relations. I was patched through to a woman whom I lathered with compliments over my stay at her swank casino.

“Now about the bed. Funny thing is…” I preambled. “I couldn’t even find a tag on that heavenly bed to know who made it. He-he.”

“Oh, you won’t sir.” she stonewalled with mystery.

I piped, “I thought it was illegal to tear off mattress tags! Isn’t that a federal crime punishable by law?”

“Borgata doesn’t want you to know what you are sleeping on. That way you will look forward to coming back.”

“I’m not asking you to sleep and tell.” I flirted. “I’m only asking you to tell?”

She giggled before composure took hold. “Even if I knew what brand, it isn’t for public knowledge.”

“The secret is safe with me. Look, would things change if I can produce a medical note that I’m an incurable insomniac?”

“Sir, I'm glad you adored our beds. Would you care to book another room or be mailed a catalog of items that are For Sale in our hotel casino?”

“Is the bed listed in that catalog?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“No spring edition, huh?”

She laughed but remained firm as the mattresss I vowed to disown. Stymied and out of bed jokes, I layed the issue to rest. We rolled the dice with the purchase of a brand new box spring and mattress without ever learning the manufacturer for Borgata beds or replicating its comfort. Poker face and all, I bet Jennifer Tilly knows hands down.