Freudian Slips: Quote The Raven Nevermore

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

August 28, 2005

Quote The Raven Nevermore

Somehow birds have turned my house into a homing pigeon. While preparing a crock pot meal, I heard my wife's voice call my name. What a crock this turned out to be because she wasn't home! At any rate, I turned around to face the front door. Nobody was there. I returned to the food preparation wearing goose bumps.
I reckon a man needs to give his wife's ghost undivided attention too because I heard her voice again. She sternly called me by my first name. I stopped what I was doing. I tip toed through the open foyer expecting to find her in either the library or the living room. Nothing. I then looked out the front door to see if her car was parked in the driveway. Nope. I remained the only one home besides the disembodied voice. This may sound a little weird but stranger things have happened to me. On my way back into the kitchen, a bird flies smack dab into the kitchen window. I saw the whole thing unfold but the thud scared the bejesus out of me. Before the feathers had time to settle on the wood deck, I got on the phone to my mother. I called my mother asking for an explanation because she had her own strange experience involving a sparrow a few days before.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I don't know what to make of it, Joe." Mom plainly replied.
The phone call pretty much ended there. I would never admit to it in public but my bird talked and sounded awfully like my wife.
Two days later, two birds hit the window of the room I occupied, one after the other. I opened the front door to find two twitching mortally wounded birds on the porch. Neither talked but their splat sounded familiar.
Two days later, another bird crashed into the palladian window while I walked up the staircase. Thank goodness these are small birds and not storks because I would have four broken windows and eight kids with who knows how many more on the way.
A couple of days later, I took a gander at the backyard woods. If I saw any dive bombing kamikaze birds I was going to cry fowl and call Animal Control. I observed a raven perched on my deck railing giving me the evil eye. I have never ever seen a raven in my lifetime. What the heck is going on? This bird didn't talk either but even if it had I would quote the raven not once and nevermore.



Anonymous et said...

Joe, the break neck (no pun intended) birds of flight into your windows is a sign of good fortune (not for the birds, though.) They remind me of Harry Potter’s friend’s owl, always slamming into things. Do you have a little wizardry about you? I think perhaps, a magic wand in the attic! Did you inherit some e.s.p. from your maternal side of the family? I know the paternal side would deny even knowing what a bird was? Just for the record, the sparrow is the symbol of the Creator’s ever watchful presence in our lives. Be ever faithful and true to the “Light” of the universe and the flight to peace and tranquility is just a breath away.

8:36 AM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...

Sorry pal, but haven't you ever seen that Hitchcock film? Does your wife look at all like Tippi Hedren ? Was your town once named, Bodega Bay?

Methinks that the birds are getting revenge due to that photo you posted last Thanksgiving -- the one with you carving that six hundred pound turkey!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

The bird's must say OWL that hurts.

Pax, We had RAVENOUS appetites on Thanksgiving so I cooked a big bird.

4:04 PM  
Blogger lilly05 said...

"Quoth the Raven 'Nevermore'" My favorite EAP. These birds are doing a damn sight more than just "tapping on my chamber door" you might want to look into tempered glass for your house! You been ignoring something important Joe? Sounds like something or someone is trying to get your attention...maybe listening would solve this problem?

5:58 AM  
Blogger eatmisery said...

Have you ever seen the movie, "The Birds?"

2:06 PM  
Blogger The Other Half said...

they have it out for you...cover your head

4:43 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

I'm not running for cover but it has been a little Hitchcockian.

Maybe I do need to stop and listen more.

8:12 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

all i need is a mockingbird laughing at me.

8:14 AM  
Blogger justrose said...

they do have those decals that look like shadowbirds for the windows. will that help, or are they somehow trying to escape the evil raven?

9:46 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

trying to make sense of it is for the birds!

11:44 PM  
Blogger SARPudel said...


How lucky you are to have seen a raven! What state are you located in? Ravens, although maligned in many folk legends and historical tales, are benevolent creatures.
They possess great magic, and only share their gifts with those who are worthy.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

i live in nj, which is for the birds!

7:54 AM  
Blogger Randi Doeker said...

Joe –

Please make your window visible to the birds. Probably there is a reflection of trees or sky - unless you have parallel windows that allow visibility through the house.

Billions of birds are now being killed at windows and we don’t have billions to spare. There are over 225 species that are going to made extinct by window collisions alone.

(Historically this was not a problem due to the way buildings were designed and windows were used.)

Just think about the 325 million people in North America, each saying “but my house only kills a few birds every day/week.” Do the math.

So: close the drapes or crack blinds ¾ or install artwork that covers the window. The decals and other gadgets that are sold are no more or less successful than using Post-it notes. Seriously. The important act is making the window visible; it does not matter what you use. If it is not visible to you, it won’t be visible to birds.

Think of this as a redecoration project. Home Depot sells decorative window films. Hang a series of mobiles across the window. Use a soap paste and decorative stencils to simulate etched glass.

Small birds will fly through anything larger than a handprint so you need to get the open spaces down to that size.

Randi Doeker

10:57 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

geez, i thought the bird feeder was humane enough. apparently not.

7:42 PM  

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