The Beaten Path to a Soup Bowl

Joseph Tornatore showering following his appearance on the radio.

My life rarely follows the beaten path. Barely towel dried from my freefall into a pool of green paint in the new Philadelphia Eagles 25/8 commercial, today’s path turned bath wrinkled with a number five. Things I would never expect to find on myself while showering formerly include tempura paint but now I have to add vegetables to the mix. Following a dark recess discovery, I never thought I would ask myself in the shower, “I didn’t know minestrone soup contained lima beans?”

Let me explain. Producers from 97.5 FM and 950AM radio contacted me to participate in a publicity stunt to promote this weekend’s anticipated divisional showdown between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Redskins. For my non-sports fan readers, this nationally televised game features the return of former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. The Eagles traded McNabb away after a string of hugely successful regular seasons paired with numerous “always the bridesmaid” painful playoff losses.

A polarizing figure in Philadelphia sports, the publicity stunt involved a tug of war matchup between a team of pro Donovan McNabb supporters and a team of his haters. The losers of the tug of war got dragged into an unforgiving pool of Chunky minestrone soup. It was a heated decision ultimately picking sides but I chose to be a McNabb supporter. While a cogent sports argument might have persuaded me into changing sides, a great debater could never stir my interest into liking McNabb’s longtime familiar sponsor, Chunky soup.

The tug of war broadcasted live on the radio for those deaf of ear who did not hear my name announced. ABC TV covered the event for their 11'0'clock news broadcast. Fox TV film crews were also on hand filming the event as a lead in to their telecast of the game itself. The tug of war proved to be a titan stalemate for gulp....only the first thirty seconds. As my team’s front man, the taught rope often lifted my heels off the ground. I quickly lost footing for our team when I pulled a nerdy calf muscle in my left leg. Momentum swung and the rope continued to pull me forward. Analogous to a McNabb season ending post game interview, I was walking a tight rope. A glacier of a man the size of an NFL lineman, our anchorman slipped causing the rope to become real short next to the pool of soup. My muscles burned with pain and my body contorted trying to avoid the pool. It felt like former running back Ricky Williams was a ringer pulling on the other side. Not even Donovan’s protective parents could save me from the drink now. Testing the waters seemed to be my destiny.

I fell headfirst into a three foot deep pool of minestrone soup. As I came up out of the soup, the raucous crowd went stir crazy. I estimated that I had swallowed enough soup to rob a Philadelphia homeless person of their next meal. There was no soup kitchen to send this soup back to and its smelly ingredients clung to my clothes. After the winning team celebrated their feat of strength fueled by turncoat quarterback animosity, I ran down the tarmac of padding and did a picturesque belly flop for the rolling cameras. I came up out of the drink spitting out cold soup. Despite my support for arguably the best quarterback in Eagles franchise history, in the end I came up short. The beaten path felt all too familiar. My dream of winning a Super Bowl as a superfan had become a lousy soup bowl. Donovan McNabb had left a bad taste in my mouth yet again.