UPS and Downs

Of the conclusion that I had every detail worked out with monolithic UPS, I emailed the Ebay purchaser. I instructed him to put the package slated for return shipment out on his open porch. He must live in an awfully safe Florida neighborhood, because he left the package on his porch for three days and two nights without a truck ever making pickup while I waited for it here in New Jersey. Given Florida's notoorious humidity, thank goodness that the contents was sports memorabilia and not aged cheese.

The Ebayer emailed me back outraged about the lack of service on his porch. At the mercy of the mail, I immediately called the worldwide leader in the shipping business. My loose-lipped temperament outran my patience. I went through two UPS frontline staff until a distinguished sounding manager interceded with an improbable explanation.

“Oops, we forgot to inform the local UPS to pick it up. They were in that area plenty but did not know to pick it up. It is our problem on our level. I apologize.”

On the other end of the phone, my face went beet red thinking what brown has done to me. "You think?"

The manager brainstormed, “Wait a minute, the problem could also be that it may be a non-portable item for mailing.”

I queried, “What do you mean? As the original shipper, may I remind you that I lifted it? This is a return to sender situation. I am 48 years old living with an average life expectancy of 78, how much longer can I expect to wait for this shipment?”

“Okay, it’s coming, guy.”

“Need I mention that you greeted me with an admission of Oops? If you guys are the tightest ship in the shipping business, you are now dealing with the loosest cannon in the Ebay business.”

“This isn’t how we do business, sir.”

I commented, “So far it is. You guys ought to merge with Fed Ex and just be called Fed Up!”