Bollywood: A Shot in the Dark

Hitting the big time: Joseph Tornatore with actor Jim Mccauley

Objective: Stay awake for 25 consecutive hours working as a humane social worker then as a human shield on a Bollywood film.

6pm Wardrobe and Prop crew warn actors of loud noises, a hot gun, and blood spraying tonight on location. I scratch my head thinking that the Broad Street subway should be a closed set to curtail violence and not complicate the plot.

7pm Actors board trains and realize how little room there is to act in a wanton frenzy on a compartmental train. A few tired actors already look like they want off this red eye acting gig. Director Rensil D'Silva and his talented crew tinker with the logistics of the upcoming scenes.

8pm Actors are reminded to act how we normally would act during the terroristic events of 9/11. Accordingly, I never could get a cell phone signal in the subway to call my wife one last time and the closest thing to a cockpit to seize on the train housed only a non-chalant American born engineer talking football.

9pm Between takes of a climatic killing scene in the movie, pinched-eyebrow Bollywood actors are explained the tradition of an American Thanksgiving with the term Native American used ahead of its alternative.

10pm Bollywood crew members ask extras if anyone can professionally sing to spark downtime camaraderie between takes. An actress absentmindedly decides to give a full-bodied rendition of God Bless America. She never sang another song. I never saw her used in another scene all night.

11pm In a choreographed scene of extras trying to flee from an armed terrorist on a commuter train, 6’10” 450 pound actor muscles me into the door of a train cab. It was my third Bollywood movie but I finally hit the big time! I got some major face time pressed against the glass by this giant.

Midnight Tilapia in a white cream sauce is served in the cold subway right outside your dining car train, a la cart if you will.

1am Bollywood actor shares terrified tale watching a mountain lion wander onto a Hindi film set and slay the trained Doberman pincher lapping from a swimming pool. The doggone tale is told in Jurassic park Technicolor.

2am Principle actors laude the chai tea guru flown across continent from India to make a cauldron of his warm elixir on the set as a rare treat for the actors subjected to filming abroad. There are whispers among the American actors that the chai tea tastes like Apple Jacks cereal.

3am Conversation with famous Bollywood actor covers him agreeing to meet the Dalai Lama for lunch with the Himalayan mountains and a movie set as a grand backdrop. I never got in a word edgewise but wanted to share my having a meal on the set once with Fred Savage of the The Wonder Years.

4am Blank from gun discharges by my head after I moved late clearing out of the gunman’s path in a night scene requiring timing for cinematic effect. I thought I lost my hearing with the flash bang then realized I forgot to remove my earplugs after the scene. Afterall, non-union acting is a taking a shot in the dark.

5am An attractive female extra decides to rouse drooping eyelids by doing upside down handstand push-ups on a moving train. Red-blooded males hoped the exhibitionistic gymnast might entertain a remake of the train scene in Risky Business.

6am Six hours since the train last stopped for a R & R break, my bloated bladder screams for extra work of its own. I would have bought a colostomy bag, if anyone were selling a do-it-yourself unit.

7am After riding the subway all night in the same train as Hindi megastars Vivek Oberoi and Saif Ali Khan, I got back on that same dreaded subway to go home.