Bazookas, The Movie

Maybe my blatant exclusion had something to do with my formal attire or the way I carried myself. Background actors rarely are in a position to ask questions and I might not have wanted to even know. With every extra on the movie set stationed around the bar but me, I started to lament how I got wrapped up filming the sexy comedy Bazookas, The Movie red-eyed through the live long night without actual inclusion.

Around 3:00am, director Michael Leonard finally walked over to me with his wheels turning. He informed, “Joe, I am not going to use you as a background extra.”

With acting aspirations derailed, my innermost insecurities ran rampant. I must look as ridiculous as Jerry Seinfeld festooned in a puffy pirate shirt. I have a dress-down change of wardrobe in the car. Tell the director you will gladly change wardrobe to casual.

“No?” I mustered trying to hide my disappointment.

“Joe, you are going to play the bartender. I am giving you a speaking part. You’re in the next scene.”

“Sure thing. Let me know when you need me. I’ll be eating my porridge.”

An extra on the set commented, “Am I mistaken, or did you just land a better part in this movie?”

Two and a half hours later and still not given my line to rehearse at nausea, I got called onto the set. I had a hop in my step searching for the entrance to the interior bar. Two principle actors sat bar side, one pretending to be inebriated in ale, the other intoxicated by personality. I introduced myself to the co-stars for what reason I do not know.

The lighting man stationed to my immediate right asked, “Joe, is that too much heat on you?”

“Not at all.” I beamed. “It’s my time to shine.”

The gregarious co-star parleyed my wisecrack. “This business is all about C.T., baby.”

Since the actor’s guild failed to outfit me with a decoder ring, I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what the abbreviation stood for. So my lips moved instinctively as my acting stretched in between takes.

I agreed, “You got that right, it’s all about C.T.”

The co-star, Joe Campellone, clarified, “Yeah, it’s all about Camera Time.”

I could not help but laugh. “That is what I am talking about, baby.”

As the director took us through a walk-thru rehearsal, I noticed the differences in the setup for the upcoming shot. The two principle actors seemed to be sitting bar side left of the mark. The lighting shone incredibly grand from my standpoint. The background extras circled around the bar that I solely manned. The soundman hoisted and positioned a boom microphone above my head. The sleek high definition camera pointed directly at me. As the director rounded out the scene, I finally got the picture. For the next scene involving a bartender flagging a patron, this would be about me and C.T. Actors took their first positions and the camera moved up to speed. In an instant of distractibility, I thought about the sleepless nights I laid in bed curbing my enthusiasm should the improbable opportunity ever present itself to dialogue one itsy bitsy line in a motion picture. I didn’t have to wonder anymore what that line would be.

With no formal training as an actor, I mentally organized my chronology checklist almost too late. Start on your correct mark. Acknowledge the drunk with a head nod. Make eye contact with the second co-star before speaking. Lean onto the bar and into the camera for your second mark. Deliver your line. Use your free hand to make a pirate’s cutthroat gesture for exclamation. Walk around the bar without tripping over the monster cables.

Quiet on the set. The movie set clapboard slapped down. Action.

The collective bartender wearing a dapper tuxedo shirt leaned into Hollywood, “Your friend here…is cut off.”

Bringing new meaning to tipping your bartender, the marvelous director coached me through seven takes from two different camera positions. If this scene makes the final cut without my “cut off” line cut out, it will be a Lifetime Achievement Award for a background actor who dreamt of one cameo in the foreground.

*DVD copies of Bazookas, The Movie can be ordered here.