Freudian Slips: It's About Time

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

April 23, 2006

It's About Time

- Philadelphia Flyers wall clock $79.00

When time is on my side, I find it relaxing to immerse myself headfirst into personal projects for commercial gain. Because of its uniqueness, my latest creation took two months to put together.
First, I mail ordered a nifty wall clock that featured a function to record five second audio sound bites which play at the top of every hour. When it arrived on my doorstep about ten days later, it was time to play with father time. On the plain face of the clock, I substituted attention-grabbing pictures of members from the 1974 Philadelphia Flyers team for unadorned numerals.
The next step involved obtaining actual game commentary from this championship season that would coincide with the position of each player’s picture on the clock. I remembered a promotional item from my privileged childhood when Philadelphia sports teams actually won championship games. Thanks to Ebay’s exhaustive search engine, I won a vintage 1974 LP entitled Champions Again, a record that relives the actual play-by-play calls during that banner season. To attract handsome bids, my fine upstanding Ebay seller went out of his way to advertise in bold print like this that the record was factory sealed and never opened. When it arrived in the mail like a blue line special, my utility knife couldn’t wait to slice open the crackling cellophane and smell its trapped newness. Like a birth thirty years in the making, I removed the record from its fold. I didn’t even need to bring the record cover to my nose to knows it smelled rancid. Small but noticeable water stained markings also defaced the cover. Although deemed more brand spanking new than a baby’s behind, the record itself bore the smudgy fingerprints of its original owner. I dusted for fingerprints but this magic trick cost me at the box office. The record and I both felt about as good as used. Buyer beware because Ebay is full of sly foxes in the corporate henhouse. No worse for ware, the used record looked like it had enough grit to spin around a few more times.
I now needed something archaic to play it on. It might have been easier asking Kate Smith to sing the national anthem at this year’s Flyers home playoff games than finding a record player for sale. I went round and round in the first three stores I visited. Once I found a nostalgic record player for sale, it had to be back ordered. When it came in, I chomped at the diamond bit to finish this project. Soon a forty four year old balding man could be seen spinning a record without music to relive sports moments of his lost childhood. Hours passed in not only my glee but in my obsessive struggle to narrow down my best dozen sound bites for each hour on the clock. When I came to terms with my decision-making, I recorded the distinguished voice of announcer Gene Hart for all of sixty seconds.
Only sheer irony allowed me to finish this project on the eve of this year’s Philadelphia Flyers playoff run for Lord Stanley's Cup. Time flies when you are having fun and this adage has withstood the test of time. Come to think of it, thirty years have passed since the Philadelphia Flyers won the Stanley Cup. Like my new wall clock, it’s about time.

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Blogger PaxRomano said...

Believe it or not, I loved the Broadway Bullies back in the day...I actually played street hockey.

If your clock is audio enabled I hope you have that great quote of "THE FLYERS HAVE WON THE STANLEY CUP, THE FLYERS HAVE WON THE STANLEY CUP" by Gene Hart to mark the winning hour. And then have a snippet of Kate singing, "God Bless America" at high noon. Or maybe the fan jeer of "1 2 3 4 - Who The Hell Is Bobby Oar!"

Ah South Philly's moment of joy way back in 74!

11:45 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

You keep surprising me. You must be a jock of all trades! Next thing I know, Magnolia was a butterfly style goalie with foam knee pads. Yes, got the Gene Hart saying on there but scrubbed Kate Smith.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Merci said...

I can easily spend hours on a project that interests me, and then wonder where the time went. When I'm at work, the hands on the clock seem not to move at all. Time flies when you're having fun.

5:17 PM  
Blogger E said...

That is so creative, Joe. You should make a bunch and sell them! Do a Red Sox one next. :)

5:48 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

forget abut making a better bear trap, April Fools is a long way off.

Yes... Yaz at 12 o'clock and wade boggs at 6, luis tiant at 3pm and carlton fisk at 9pm.

6:56 PM  
Anonymous Catherine Mary said...

Hey Joe, Make a Red Sox one and I'll buy it for Tommy. He's a big big "Red Sox" Fan.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous et said...

What a unique idea! Capturing moments in time on a clock is bloody brilliant! It brings back memories of your Dad, screaming in excitement and me thinking, “I wish he’d get that excited about me!”

11:24 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Catheirne Mary,
looks like my writing is starting to pay off. lol

you produced a brood, there had to be something there.

12:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I got into this from the Masto site. It's about "time". Emily

4:10 PM  
Anonymous t said...


Something seems to be missing...hmm Hey, I know...

7:24 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

the face is sealed off. I can't put a decal in there but I got to hand it to you.

8:07 PM  

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