Fat Tuesday

As I observed a short order cook wrapping a strange looking sandwich on the counter of a pizzeria, a feeling of gluttony came over me.

“What the hell is that?” I asked the cook with astonishment.

“That is one of our Fat sandwiches.”

“I can see that it is fat.” I replied. “What are you putting in that monstrosity, a side of beef?”

“It depends on which fat sandwich you order. We have a whole line of them. That was the Fat McNabb.”

“As in the Philadelphia Eagles’ Donovan McNabb?”

“We have a Big Mouth T.O sandwich. You figure it out.”

“Is the Terrell Owens stuffed with hot dogs?”

The smiling cook hands me a menu that is full of celebrity. Apparently, its author lives on the philosophy that all food ends up as neighbors in the same intestine.

“Can you tell me what went into that Fat McNabb?”

“Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, French fries, and marinara sauce.”

A short order cook churning out all-in-one full service sandwiches seemed like bad business.

“Come on? A medley of appetizers stuffed in a single sandwich?”

“Yeah.”

I commentated, “No wonder Donovan McNabb is reluctant to run. You need an ambulance stretcher to carry the Fat sandwich out the front door.”

I doubted whether Donovan McNabb knows there is an obese sandwich named after him. This reminded me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David feels honored to have a deli sandwich named after him. Larry has a change of heart when he comes to find out that the rather unorthodox ingredients are distasteful.

“Try one.” the cook encouraged.

“No thanks.” I scoffed. “It could be the only game in town and it would not wet my whistle if I were referee.”

“You’re missing out on the party, guy. I sold 350 Fat sandwiches last week alone.”

“How many of the customers walked out of here on their own recognizance?”

He wasn’t taking no for an answer. “All of them. If sport sandwiches aren’t your forte, we sell a Luca Brasi?”

“Luca Brasi of Godfather fame, huh? What delicacies constitute that sandwich? Don’t tell me horse head.”

“Nah, meatballs, sausage, steak, pepperoni all on a hoagie roll.”

“Sounds like deadmeat to me.” I laughed. “I’ll pass. Give me two plain slices to go.”

I can eat with the best of them but even a Luca Brasi was a deal I could refuse.