R2D2, What Ales Ya?

I couldn’t believe the news! The news reported that Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in the original trilogy was found guilty of drunk driving. The verdict aside, I didn’t know even a wee bit that there was an actor sardined inside that tin. With all of the cutting edge computer animation available, I didn't think Lucas Films would need to stuff a human being into a tin can for realism. Since I’m a huge Star Wars fan, sincere apologies are in order for the vertically challenged actor whose name I overlooked in the credits.

I can understand that anyone small enough to wedge themselves into the same beer keg for epic length Star Wars movies might have an urge to drink straight from the can to get tanked now and again. That is a given. Speaking from personal experience, let's not underestimate the duress of uncomfortable wardrobe on movie sets. But drunk driving is a serious offense so I don't want to make light of it. Nonetheless, I can’t help but digress when I conjure up visual images of pint sized R2D2 climbing up a step ladder in order to chug beers barside. My mind returns to the famous cantina scene in Star Wars, where an intergalactic band plays music to a cast of high-strung suds seeking misfits. Before we get too far with this story, there is no truth that a lubed up C3PO was involved in this incident and Boba Fett’s pack’em on ice bounty hunter services weren't needed.

After being pulled over, I wonder if the police stop went something like this. For parody purposes, picture Kenny Baker playing loveable R2D2 and the law as a packing Storm Trooper. R2D2 is sitting slouched on a modified booster seat barely higher than the dashboard itself. As the Trooper approaches, R2D2 is jamming to what else but heavy metal music.

The Trooper asks, “What is your name, rank, or serial number?”

“Move along, Trooper. You have the wrong droid?”

“Not so fast, shorty. Your bulbs and whistles look glassy. I have been following you since you left that geekadroid space cantina. What planetary system are you headed for?”

“A nebulae just south of the….ugh,…San Diego zoo.” R2D2 would impatiently slur. “What ales ya, Storm Trooper?”

“Twenty five light years per hour in a Volkswagen Revenge of the Jetta. Not to mention reckless driving.”

“I guess I had one too many cans of beer, Trooper. I’m feeling depressed about my acting career. With Star Wars over, I’m having trouble getting another small part.”

“Too bad. Could you remove your pilot’s license and registration? Thank you. Now step out of the ship.”

The Trooper assists R2D2 out of his vehicle then wonders how he is going to get a droid to complete a sobriety test. The Trooper instructs, “Okay now. Be big about it. Put your best wheel forward. Roll forward as straight as possible.”

“I’ve been diecast and typecast, you don’t know who I am?”

“Roll Forward or I will have you towed to the junkyard.”

R2D2 moves in a haphazard sidewinder motion unbecoming of a machine. “Stop right there.” The Trooper instructed. “You’re squeaking, creaking, and you damned near rolled out into oncoming traffic. I suspect that alcohol has polluted your 10W 30 motor oil. I have no other choice but to give you a breathalyzer. Any ideas where I can insert this breathalyzer for an accurate reading?”

"Up yours, Trooper!"

Back to reality. The readings came back over the legal limit. A remorseful Kenny Baker was fined and he lost his driving privileges for one year. Kenny Baker was quoted as saying that he is now looking to hire a "2’6” female chauffer". If she happens to be a Star Wars junky and a fan of frequent oil changes, sparks may fly. It sounds like a tall order, even if a traveling carnival happens to be in town!