Freudian Slips: Holiday Tips

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Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

December 22, 2005

Holiday Tips

Based on personal experience, Joe Tornatore’s Indispensable Holiday Tips Never Shared in Good Housekeeping Magazine.
1)Before you buy a monstrous fresh killed turkey, first make sure you have a pan that Tom Turkey can fit into.
2)When flour goes bad, never discard of it by pouring it down the sink then turning on the water faucet. You will make cake batter bigger than the kitchen and your mega horsepower garbage disposal will clog.
3)Never store candles alongside Christmas trees lights in a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof attic. You will encase the electric wiring of your tree lights in hardened wax.
4)Sit your mother, who lives on piped oxygen, far enough away from a crackling fire.
5)If you have reduced yourself to using cheap uninspiring Holiday Christmas cards, hold the inspiration of waiting at least seven years before finishing the box.
6)Standing in a return line in a department store the day after Christmas has nothing to do with your spirit of giving.
7)Only serve fruitcake to your worst enemy or at best your least favorite relative.
8)Gyms that get overcrowded in January due to New Years Resolutions will be ‘regulars only’ after Valentines Day.
9)After you’ve cooked all day preparing a holiday meal, keep an extra place setting handy for the guest who didn’t bother to even RSVP then shows up late.
10)Regardless of your wife’s protests, hang outdoor Christmas lights the first warm day after Thanksgiving.
11)Never try and cut your own hair before a major holiday. If you do, hide all of the cameras in the house.
12)Never serve nuts to guests before locating prerequisite rarely used nutcrackers.
13)And never ever answer the door to Christmas carolers carrying snowballs.

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10 Comments:

Anonymous et said...

Joe, the reason I'm on (#4) is because I ate too much of (#7). At the expense of exposing myself to ridicule, I have to say (most likely the only one in the world to admit it) that I still love fruitcake.

7:05 AM  
Blogger Rev Honk said...

I am affraid to ask what happened to you mom...but still curious...

9:28 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Live and learn... Live and learn.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Rev,
Pray for her, Reverend in your new fangled church. She has COPD.

Erin,
some people can't live and learn. not a snowball's chance in hell.

4:05 PM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...

Oh and I learned a new one today; while sitting at the family holiday dinner table (or the co-worker holiday lunch table) never discuss the age of ones father as well as the value of a Hummer (or hummer) and how a spouse may feel about said Hummer (or hummer).

4:48 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Pax,
one day this country will abide by illegality of eavesdropping.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Merci said...

Intriguing comment from Pax. I'll have to get the scoop - I was absent from the co-worker holiday lunch table today.

I've learned the hard way not to put candles in the attic, too.

And ET, I love fruitcake, too! So there are 2 of us in the world!

9:35 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Merci,
who would have known?

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am still smiling :-) Nice list and interesting debate..


holidays bargains

2:59 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

anonymous,
thanks for visiting.

8:48 PM  

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