Holiday Tips

Based on personal experience, Joe Tornatore’s Indispensable Holiday Tips Never Shared in Good Housekeeping Magazine.

1)Before you buy a monstrous fresh killed turkey, first make sure you have a pan that Tom Turkey can fit into.

2)When flour goes bad, never discard of it by pouring it down the sink then turning on the water faucet. You will make cake batter bigger than the kitchen and your mega horsepower garbage disposal will clog.

3)Never store candles alongside Christmas trees lights in a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof attic. You will encase the electric wiring of your tree lights in hardened wax.

4)Sit your mother, who lives on piped oxygen, far enough away from a crackling fire.

5)If you have reduced yourself to using cheap uninspiring Holiday Christmas cards, hold the inspiration of waiting at least seven years before finishing the box.

6)Standing in a return line in a department store the day after Christmas has nothing to do with your spirit of giving.

7)Only serve fruitcake to your worst enemy or at best your least favorite relative.

8)Gyms that get overcrowded in January due to New Years Resolutions will be ‘regulars only’ after Valentines Day.

9)After you’ve cooked all day preparing a holiday meal, keep an extra place setting handy for the guest who didn’t bother to even RSVP then shows up late.

10)Regardless of your wife’s protests, hang outdoor Christmas lights the first warm day after Thanksgiving.

11)Never try and cut your own hair before a major holiday. If you do, hide all of the cameras in the house.

12)Never serve nuts to guests before locating prerequisite rarely used nutcrackers.

13)And never ever answer the door to Christmas carolers carrying snowballs.