The Last Word

A strange coincidence occurred while I tweaked the closing sentence of paragraph #15 of my short story Dear Great Grandchildren.

"It seems euphemistically apropos that we now publicly view private life through transparent Microsoft Windows founded by Gates."

In the clang of my peck and paw typing, what do you think happened? I got besieged by a Pop-Up window that relentlessly prompted me to buy a $149.99 registered version of Microsoft Word. It is hilarious to describe the downright nuttiness in writing about what was simultaneously happening to me. Art was imitating life and this was no form of flattery. If there are any probability majors in college reading this, run that irony by your professor. I guarantee you the professor will be reading Freudian Slips every morning with breakfast coffee.

Truth be told, the Pop-Up window did not arrive as an electronic billboard without advance warning. Let me explain how I thought I took care of the problem. My two month old computer came with a 60 day trial software of Microsoft Word 2003 and its expiration occurred at that very second. Now I don't go through life eating sand for a living as an ostrich. A case in point, I had already acquired and installed a stand alone copy of Microsoft Word 2002 to stay ahead of the game. Inexplicably however, my version overrided the permanent version. The only other option to remove the Pop-Up overtop my unfinished work was to hit a kill switch. The detonator icon of the kill switch included a blase warning that some features of Microsoft Word would no longer be available. I reasoned that having most of my 2002 Word product was better than nothing at all. Naturally, I did what any mouse running through a maze would do - I hit cancel to save $149.99.

I returned to my Great Grandchildren essay with one exception. Bill Gates froze not some of the features but the entire document. He was keeping his Word while not keeping his word. I couldn't do a damned thing not even finish the paragraph that acknowledged Microsoft products revolutionizing the world. I was ready to open up my own Windows and scream! I closed out of my unfinished project jeopardizing losing unsaved work. I opened a randomly selected document out of the My Documents folder and the dreaded Pop-Up extortion menu returned. I hit cancel. I opened several dozen of my older text files created under Microsoft Word for Windows 1997. All were locked with the key thrown away. Who can invade your home never through the front door and always through windows? To borrow a line from the Family Feud game show, survey says: Bill Gates.

I am not a conditioned monkey but I got to admit that I reached crisis mode and actually removed my credit card from my wallet. I was fully prepared to buy online the rights for Bill Gates to open the gate and unlock the personal documents on my computer. I took a deep breath then hedged on the impulse purchase. The problem withstanding, I tried in vain to outwit the genius Gates himself. I called the electronics store where I purchased the computer to quiz tech support.

I vented, "Is there any way I could get out of this controlling nightmare cheaper than $149.99?"

"Yeah, you could buy a student version for $69.00."

Seeing my way out of the technological problem, I jumped at the opportunity. "Yeah, I'm willing to do that. Do you have any in stock before I take a helicopter to your store?'

"Sure we do but I got to ask you if you have any students in the house?"

"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Two more children and I got them by the half dozen. Is your heliopad on the roof?"

"Not so fast. One of your kids will have to punch in their college identification number to register the product or you will be unable to finish the install process."

"Are you freaking kidding me?" I vented. "None of my kids have even been to a high school prom. Since when is a student college level only?'

"Not my definition." replied the good cop about the bad cop. "Bill Gates runs the show over there at Microsoft."

"You're telling me." I agreed. "Gates is on my computer right now running the show with a Mr. Freeze gun! It's a virus. I type Bill Gates name and his money grabbing Pop-Up screens make me sick to my stomach. That's a license to ill, if you ask me."

Bill Gates always gets the last Word.