Freudian Slips: Forensic Files and Polished Acting

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

January 14, 2010

Forensic Files and Polished Acting

I pressed my cell phone to my ear. “Hello.”
“Is this Joseph Tornatore?”
“Yes, at your service. Who is this?”
“My name is Jen. You auditioned for me for Forensic Files. Do you remember?”
“I do. Ugh, that was two years ago.”
“Well, you finally resemble a perpetrator whom we plan to do an upcoming episode on.”
“That is the first time that has been said to me. I’m interested in hearing more.”
The casting agent summarized the perpetrator’s rap sheet as if she were reading flavors from a menu at an ice cream shop. She then candidly asked me if I have a problem with acting out any of the brutality. I said that I would enjoy myself. She continued to explain that there are four other finalists considered for casting in this same principle role. The conversation hung.
“Do you still sport blond hair?”
I chuckled, “Yes, sporting a little less hair than two years ago.”
“That’s okay. Would you consent to our makeup department dying your hair a premature salt and pepper color?”
“Absolutely. Cut it, perm it, shave it, add real salt and pepper if you want. My wife has been telling me I need a makeover. I don’t think she had murderer makeover in mind but I’m a very accommodating actor.”
“Great. That's a plus.”
The next part of the casting process consisted of having until dawn the next morning to recreate a jpeg mug shot in the best likeliness of the guilty party. I got to admit it was the first time I used my wife’s makeup bag. I drew heavy bags of hard living under my eyes then made my eyebrows fuller. Where Lancome failed, drastic measures took over. I applied alternate layers of white then black shoe polish to my hair. I added mousse to my top hair and combed it wildly stiff. I then created a matching mustache and goatee from the shoe polish. A sly silvery fox aging prematurely beyond his years stared back at me in the vanity mirror. An hour of picture taken followed. I finally captured a still shot with what I considered the right facial unconscionable sociopathic stare into the penal system.
In the end, I received an email that the producers had chosen another actor for the role. An all expenses paid acting gig in sunny Florida to break up a cold winter was offered to someone else. While lamenting this forsaken opportunity, I had an epiphany. The perpetrator had wiggled his way out of jail before. He had killed his mother with a knife. He had murdered execution style two neighbors with little provocation. He was a suspect in two other vicious unsolved murders. So I asked myself. How partial could he be to refraining from icing the actor playing him on Forensic Files? It just might be the role of a long lifetime not getting this part.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry, Joe! BUT look at it like this. It is really, really cold in Florida right now.
Catherine Mary

9:11 PM  
Anonymous Missy said...

Joe -

Man I love that show, sorry that you did not get it. You know it would have given added fodder to some of your co-workers & clients just as long as no one turned you in. Would love to see the mug shot if you would share!

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't sweat it Joe. They probably gave the part to that guy that looks like you.....Nick something or other LOL rfvgardens

7:58 PM  
Blogger Zelda Parker said...

If you are in the media then do I have to report It? Just kidding. You're big break is just around the corner. Best wishes,

9:19 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Since I heard you don't want a job as a case may be reporting for

9:34 PM  

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