Freudian Slips: Desperate Housewives

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

April 17, 2005

Desperate Housewives

This story will be preserved in the Freudian Slip Hall of Fame archive vault. All parties involved may want to reverse time and revert back to when their lives were not affected from such avoidable tragedy. Remorse has finite limitations. It is not a feeling you see in front of you. Remorse only whispers in your ear after it is too late.
The story. A married woman became unfaithful to her husband. In and of itself, this is not earth-shattering news but this story has more skeletons in the closet. Does she end the seedy romance before her husband finds out about it? Does she confide to her husband about her change of heart? Neither. What is a desperate housewife to do?
She brazenly moves her lover into her home. It is the best of both worlds for the woman. She has a man coming and going. Where does a married woman hide a stud muffin with a nine inch nail? She harbors him in a closet with a Do Not Disturb Sign hanging around his neck. It should not conjure up the innocent memory of ET being stashed in a bedroom closet because those were the actions of children in a Hollywood movie not that of an adult harboring a fugitive from morality court. It makes light of Mommy Dearest demanding no more wire hangers! Even the Home and Garden channel never turned a walk-in closet to a live-in closet for hanky panky. That had to have been some flip your wig, Romper Room sex to actually move into a closet and patiently wait for sloppy seconds.
The ill-fated arrangement lasted 30 days before lover boy was discovered. I find the deception an amazing length of time. So how did the husband find out? Walking by a closet, the husband heard snoring. The lover actually fell asleep on the job. The moral of the story is that if you are going to be immoral do not choose a narcoleptic as a lying, cheating, carousing trespassing fool. A heated argument erupted and who can blame the husband when his wife brought her lover home kit and caboodle. This was no romp in the hay, be on your way, and change the sheets before the end of the day. This is truly a live-in boyfriend for a desperate housewife. A study in contrasts, I have never forgiven my wife for taking in hamsters.
Back to our story or should I say tail? The husband demanded the man to vacate the premises before he returned from a cooling off, simmer-down walk. A reasonable non-violent request but the lover and infidel wife defiantly held the fort. That's right! The lover had not left by the time the husband returned home. As you might imagine, that is when the situation went from bad to abysmal. The husband and lover territorially fought like rabid animals over the woman. In his rage, in his revenge, for his honor, for all the vigilante justice out there in the world.......the husband is beaten to death in his own home by his wife's closet dwelling lover. The lover comes out of the closet when he is arrested for murder. The woman loses both men sleeping in her bed, one by death, one by incarceration. Like the door to the closet, this may be an open and shut case. Good grief.


Blogger justrose said...

good grief! what a tale.

6:58 AM  
Blogger Lost said...

my gawd - it's like a bad joke without the punch line.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Jr and Lost,
Plenty of punch over plenty of tail. Sad state of affairs....

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe, I'm not commenting on this story. Well, maybe.........only to say ugh! Not for the writing, just for the message. But, I do wish to say, "Happy Birthday " to a wonderful guy. Love, ET

10:12 AM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...


Now then, back to the story; my gawd is this based on anything or anyone I might know? In any case, it was read outloud to Whatshisname and he's still laughing!

7:36 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

ET, Diane, and Pax:
I guess one loses their privacy when hosting a blog. Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes and I hope the next 30 years are as good as the first 30!

10:14 PM  
Blogger Lost said...

Thirty? ummm OK if you say so *snicker* Happy Birthday Joe.

2:39 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

Math was never my forte. Forgive any calculation errors. Age doesn't matter. As long as we haven't Lostdawill to live. You should know that.

9:05 AM  

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