Freudian Slips: Koo-Koo for Koko Puffs

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

March 03, 2005

Koo-Koo for Koko Puffs

WOODSIDE, CA-February 21, 2005 — Two fired caretakers for Koko, the world-famous sign-language-speaking gorilla, have sued their former bosses, claiming they were pressured to expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the 300-pound simian.

"The suit, in any case, says that Patterson would interpret hand movements by Koko as a demand to see exposed human nipples. She warned Alperin and Keller that their employment with the foundation would suffer, the suit says, if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish."

As reported on Good Morning America and the Rush Limbaugh show, Koko the gorilla has been characterized as having a “nipple fetish”. This bizarre story may turn out to be sour grapes squeezed from disgruntled employees but it is interesting from an inmate running the asylum perspective. There is no debate about Koko being an extraordinary gorilla. I do not want to detract from the valuable research but have human beings gone too hard to domesticate a ferocious jungle animal? Teaching Koko to smoke a cigarette is a primal example. With the lone exception of a tobacco company, who would introduce a gorilla to a cancer stick? That is Koo-koo for Koko puffs!

For readers not familiar with Koko’s real talents, this world famous gorilla has done video dating for a suitable (pri)mate. Koko has even participated in interspecies online chatting with humans via a computer. Koko has befriended cats. In 1988, William Shatner spocked in on Koko and the two had a sit-down encounter which paled only in comparison to The Beatles visiting the Mahareshi Mahesh Yogi. Koko reportedly knows over 1,000 signs in American Sign Language and experiences many of the same emotions as human beings.

Emotions are at the heart of where this story is headed. If we can believe the platform of the lawsuit, one sign that Koko knows is to request females to show their private parts. Irony has tied a bow around this twisted story. When you force a naked gorilla to live among humans, it is a reasonable request for the naked gorilla to want humans to take off their campy costumes. Oh, those bare necessities, the bare necessities of life. However, any Ethics Committee might warn that humans shouldn’t oblige a talking gorilla not even after a few beers at a local tavern.

I am a tad surprised about Koko’s surly behavior since he was a fan of watching Mister Rogers on television. It just goes to show that any gorilla forced to watch Mister Rogers to model human behavior is a SOS for society in its own right. Maybe they should have stuck to the original Star Trek. Funny, I don’t remember Mr. Ed, the talking horse, asking to sleep with the upright natives. But that was a horse of course of course.

The firing could have been avoided if the caretakers read the fine print in the job description. I managed to pull the actual job description off the Internet. The sordid details are buried on Page 7, paragraph 6. Worker shall sexually arouse a 300 pound ape by performing timely semi-nude peep shows then successfully vacate the cage unharmed and unhinged quicker than a banana split. Management is an equal opportunity exposer and expects the paring away of clothes from all Class 3 Zoological Technicians. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

Regardless of the litigation, gorillas definitely speak our language. If this case ever snakes its way to court, you got to wonder if Koko will be called to testify for the defense. That would be a sign of the times in its own regard. I believe Koko will need a nice vacation after this lawsuit is settled. Maybe Koko could go to New Orleans for Mardis Gras. Now there is a vacation to remember. I can just see this gorilla going ape on Bourbon Street.

Just one more thing…Koko is a female gorilla. The breast lay plans of ape and men often go astray.

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