Freudian Slips: No Hand Modeling Career Here

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

January 23, 2005

No Hand Modeling Career Here

The snow storm created cabin fever in my restless bones. I turned to my computer and surfed Ebay. I made the unfortunate double click mistake of finding this one of a kind sale. Get ready for auction # 6736622700.

To the trained eye, this is a fake designer Dolce and Gabbano knockoff purse up for grabs, no criminal intent intended. The narrative in the auction included the following selling points. · Features a gently used new condition · Suede “like” material for the imposter handbag · Comes without tags · Sold by a seller named Scumbilly What the…h-e double toothpick? Who can even concentrate on the purse amidst the fashion show against the whitewashed 1970's paneling? This isn’t your average hand model here. Egads, is that a tattoo of Dracula on her forearm? Fangs for the memories!
Hate to get personable(double entrende), but how about the stretch marks on Scumbilly’s exposed rotund belly? When Scumbilly says the item comes without tags, she must mean manufacturer identification tags not skin tags. I would think selling the purse would be a stretch without the stretch marks. Oh my God!
How about the picture on the tee shirt of the silly monkey wagging his tongue on the plump left breast? Is it bedtime for Bonzo or what? Something tells me Scumbilly never used this fashion purse to go into town on a Saturday night. I doubt whether there is a nearby town yet settled.
At any rate, why would anyone be buying off a seller named Scumbilly who advertises her wares looking so haggard? I fear Scumbilly may be lower on the food chain than hillbilly. It’s like a Pagan motorcycle member selling Cadillacs in Beverly Hills. It conjures up memories of George Kastanza working as a ridiculous hand model on Seinfeld. If I had the purse in front of me now, I would use it to hurl into. To prove that even Sanford & Son can sell used toilet paper on Ebay, the knockoff off purse attracted a bidder. This has buyer beware written all over it.



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