Freudian Slips: The Una Plumber

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Location: Irony, New Jersey, United States

Life takes us many places. It's a box of chocolates and a Hansel and Gretal trail of candy wrappers. I have filmed as an actor in The Happening, Invincible, The Lovely Bones, The Bounty Hunter, The Greek American, Bazookas, Limitless, TV's Its Always Sunny in Philly, Outlaw, New York, The Warrior, The Nail, Game Change, Cold Case, & commercial work includes The Philadelphia Eagles, Septa, Coors, Turbo Tax & Carnival Cruises. Freudian Slips spotlights irony in short story format.

August 06, 2006

The Una Plumber

While thrusting a plunger into a clogged toilet, my son stood behind me. As he watched my epic struggle plumbing, the scene reminded me of a childhood memory. I remembered standing behind my father as he tried to get a clogged toilet back on line in the 1970’s.
Like stair steps, my brothers and I were all born a few years apart. It should be known for the purpose of storytelling that there was more sailor in my father than there are Popeye cartoons. I can still hear the echo of his baritone voice rattling the clogged pipes in our downstairs bathroom. With frustration and his sailor’s tongue occupying cramped quarters, it made everyone's life miserable.
Father’s instincts suspected hanky panky from the first gurgling sound. With plunger shaking in hand, father gathered his four children for a confessional. He gave us his evil eye, a glaring stare that had a way of silencing staunch critics let alone scared children. When nobody admitted to any culpability, father returned to the bathroom wielding the plunger. Water could be heard sloshing around the dirty toilet bowl like an angry miniature sea. After a strenuous exercise workout, father reached down into that wasteful bowl. To almost everyone’s surprise, father lifted a mangled 8 inch Amazing Spiderman action figure from the murky recesses. Understandably, father’s face erupted to piping mad. He looked to his sons for a straight answer to explain away the crooked doll that had been wedged in a defacatorium. Short of paradise but knowing my own innocence, I looked to my three brothers trying to spring the culprit from the lair.
Father started a usual rant as he held Spiderman with a death grip. “What the %^&&? Who the %^$#? What the #$%$ is wrong with one of you?”
Father returned to the bathroom where he flushed the faulty toilet. To his surprise, the water level remained in the bowl. Like a defeated man plumb out of luck, father knew that one of his sons was responsible for drowning the super hero in this live caper. The Una Plumber was prepping to kill one of his own. But who? My younger brother Jim approached my father from behind to face the gauntlet. In a few decisive words, Jim summarized the watery depth of the problem in boyish tones.
“Don’t worry, Dad. I sent Aquaman after Spiderman.”
Dam the throne of parenthood.



Blogger Merci said...

Did aquaman ever surface, or is he still plumbing the murky depths?

11:46 PM  
Blogger eatmisery said...

I missed reading your blogs while I was on vacation. I'm catching up right now!

2:32 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

that is as far as I remember the story. I know dad got the toilet working again but I personally never say Aquaman alive after he was sent to save the webbed wonder.

I'm glad you returned. happy reading.

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Di was here

9:47 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

so nice of you to visit.

10:00 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Great family story! I picture your dad kind of like the father on the Christmas story.

Were all action figures in the house done away with?

6:08 AM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

one difference I never got the bb gun for Christmas and dad never owned a burlesque lamp.

8:33 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Did you want a bb gun? Maybe that's a silly question since all little boys seemed to be programmed to want those things that would put out your eye. :)

2:33 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

there came an age that I just started asking Santa for a girlfriend.

8:00 PM  

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