The Wright Stuff

Many of you know me for my warped sense of humor. Those who don’t know me are spared the pain. My favorite comedian is the improbable Steven Wright. His intellectual humor with a deadpan delivery is delayed brilliance. He earned an Academy Award for film writing.

I had the pleasure of seeing Steven Wright perform live a couple of years ago at the Scottish Right Auditorium in Collingswood, New Jersey. I felt neurons firing and connective brain tissue growing deciphering the punch lines. His comedy follows the pattern of stoic joke, a delay, then full-bodied laughter. My wife said it best when we were leaving the theatre following the performance. “My brain hurts.” Anyone who can get me to look at something differently has my utmost respect and accolades.

A decade before I even heard of Steven Wright, there was a time when I used to send away my jokes to first tier comedians who paid hack writers like me per joke. I said “like me” because I never got paid for a single joke. Johnny Carson and Joan Rivers you could have made something of yourselves.

Recently, I ran across an old doodle pad of jokes and decided to include ten randomly chosen jokes here. The batch is almost an unwitting tribute to witty Steven Wright. No wonder I admire the comic. Since I don’t have Steven Wright’s patented delivery, I must keep my day job as a social worker. No matter. Long ago, I decided I couldn’t be a stand-up comic because I have bad knees and would need a chair. 1) Curiosity killed the cat but tapeworm and sour milk didn’t help either. 2) People who live with rocks in the heads don’t throw glass at houses. 3) Whoever invented the cement mixer had to be a concrete thinker. 4) I got narrowly beat golfing an old geezer who had a heart attack. He picked up a stroke on the seventh hole. 5)I once slept with a woman before I even knew her name. Afterwards, I asked her name. She playfully said, “Guess” I said, “Give me a clue.” She says, “Well I was named after what I do best. I said, “Glad to meet you Mona.” 6)Moses seeing the burning bush sojourns up Mt. Sinai to meet with God. High atop the mountain Moses says “I have seen the sign but why the burning bush O Lord?” And God said, “Let there be light.” Moses replied, “But I wanted Bud Light not Bush.” 7) What do cannibals eat when they show up late for dinner? They get the cold shoulder. 8)A political prisoner went on a hunger strike to protest his mistreatment. The prisoner was surprised how hard life in the fast lane was. 9)Pollution and urbanization have caused the name change of a major college in California. UCLA…but only on a clear day. 10)Two scrappy wash rags got into a fight. It was dead even until one threw in the towel.